LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
What is sex? Some of us have a straight-forward understanding when it comes to this subject, whereas others of us have some blurred lines that need clarity. In an over-sexualized society, it seems to be the most intriguing, confusing and liberating topic. Every day we are bombarded with sex and sexuality, but what do we do with the hormones, the awkward questions, the boundaries, the desires, the temptations? Apparently men think about sex 70% of the time, two-third of college students have “friends with benefits” relationships, and still many of us are wondering where the line of purity stands. Here are some of your top questions answered to help bring clarity and understanding of yourself and others.
WHAT IS SEX?
When people talk about sex they are usually referring to sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse is any sexual contact between individuals involving penetration (the insertion of a man’s penis into a woman’s vagina). Additionally, there are other sexual acts that are also referred to as “sex”. For example, anal sex (the penetration of the anus), oral sex (penetration the of the genitals with the mouth), and fingering (sexual penetration with the fingers).
WHY DOES GOD GIVE US A SEX DRIVE?
God gave us all a sex drive, ultimately, so we would desire to have sex and procreate. God’s initial commandment to Adam and Eve was to “go forth and multiply”. He gave each of us a need to known and be known physically, emotionally and spiritually. Like all desires, there comes a responsibility to steward this gift and use it wisely. Sex has the ability to bond two people together spirit, soul, and body. This is why God designed sex to be experienced fully in the safety and covenant of marriage.
IS ORAL SEX OKAY IN A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP?
According to our sex therapist: “There is nothing in the Scripture that says that oral sex is wrong. Some make a case that Song of Songs 2:3 and Song of Songs 4:16 are implying oral sex when it talks about eating the fruit of the garden. I do believe it is talking about sex but I am not convinced it is talking specifically about oral sex. So we need to look at what we do know in order to make a wise decision. Sex is about connecting/oneness, pleasure and creating new life. In this frame I would say that oral sex is fine as long as the people involved are married and
OK with it themselves. I do not want anyone to force a partner to do something that they are truly opposed to – that goes against any true bonding and isn’t loving. There is such freedom in sexual expression in marriage – that is one of the fun things about sex in marriage! You can have fun and delight in your spouse’s body. There can be mutual pleasuring, which can include oral sex. If you have had teaching in your church or family that said that oral sex was ungodly, then I would want you to make up your own mind and to be open to looking at what the Bible really says about sex.
But if you come down on the side of oral sex being wrong, then it would be wrong for you. Be open to freedom, but don’t push yourself past any personal conviction you feel. You can have a wonderful fulfilling sex life without it. But in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with oral sex in marriage.”
IS ANAL SEX OKAY IN A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP?
According to our doctor: “Anal sex is not permitted in scripture due to order, hygiene, and purpose. The anal canal is for waste expulsion. Whatever pleasure sensors exist there make defecation tolerable rather than painful. It’s not ordered as a sex organ, but a disposal unit. It is the down staircase, not the up. The hygiene issue is obvious: a vessel for excrement passage is not suitable for penile insertion, thus anal sex carries with it much higher rates of causing infections and spreading disease.”
According to our sex therapist: “Anal sex is more common than many people think. But it is an unsafe practice in my opinion. Many people have the impression that anal sex is safer because you cannot get pregnant. But it is not safer, it is actually riskier.The risk of getting an infection is greatly increased with anal sex due to tiny tears that can be in the tissue of the rectum or anus making you more susceptible to the transmission of infection. Any sexually transmitted disease can be transmitted through anal sex. It is possible for someone to get pregnant even with anal sex, if sperm are released outside the vaginal opening and make their way to the fallopian tubes. I do not think it promotes intimacy and connection and believe it is best avoided.”
WHAT IS A NORMAL FREQUENCY FOR MARRIED COUPLES TO HAVE SEX?
There is no normal. What each couple is happy with is normal for them. However, there are averages. Depending on the study, the average married couple in the US is having sex 1-2 times per week. For those concerned with how much is “enough” for your spouse, here’s an important triusm to think about: “If you can’t say no, you can’t really say yes.” It’s okay to say “no” if you don’t want to have sex — this will enable you to say “yes” when you really mean it. “Duty sex” or anything under obligation is not fun for anyone. Most husbands will tell you that’s not what they want — they want your “yes”, your enjoyment and your sincerity. Now, if you are saying “no” all of the time, then that’s a different issue. However, saying “no” isn’t going against the Bible; your wishes and desires matter, too. You might even find that you are saying “yes” more often when you discover the reasons why you don’t want to and resolve them in a healthy way with your spouse.
SEX HAS BECOME BORING IN MARRIAGE.
IS IT OKAY TO SPICE IT UP?
According to our sex therapist: “It depends on what you mean by ‘spice it up.’ Sex should be playful and fun. That is part of the delight of being sexual. Loss of inhibition, vulnerability and laughter are all a wonderful part of sex. But sex is always about connecting and oneness. So anything spicy that doesn’t meet that criteria needs to be left alone. That said, most couples need to learn to be creative sexually and give themselves permission to have more fun. Permission granted!”
IS SEXTING WRONG TO DO BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND? WHAT IF IT MAKES THEM FEEL CLOSER OR MORE CONNECTED?
First of all, if you’re reading this and you don’t know what sexting is, let me give you quick definition. Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages, primarily through cell phones. It’s a common practice among teenagers and is becoming more common among adults.
One of the logistical problems with sending nude pictures of yourself is that you lose control of the picture the minute you send it — it can be copied, posted or misappropriated once it has been sent. Be aware that those photos can come back to haunt you later on (such as if you’re trying to get a job or applying for a scholarship) if the recipient abuses that information given. Depending on who is receiving them, also be aware that in some states, having underage nude photos can be perceived as child porn, and you can be prosecuted. Simply put, it’s just not wise to send nude photos on the internet or through cell phones.
Sexting a boyfriend or girlfriend is not going to make them feel closer or more connected. It actually can do the opposite. Sexting separates the person from their body and makes them just a body. The desirable method would simply be face-t0-face interaction, or talking on the phone. If you are thinking that you feel more connected because of sexting, then you may be confusing intimacy with sexual behavior. You want to get to know someone as a whole person and sending naked pictures or sexting will interfere with knowing who he/she is. Sexting separates the person (the soul) from the body and we were made to be known at deeper levels.
Sexting only has one purpose: to sexually stimulate the people involved. If you are trying to remain pure, then this is not a wise thing to do. I hear people say that it’s not a big deal, and that it’s okay because it’s not having sex. Let me ask you a question: If your girlfriend sent those pictures to some other guy, would you be OK with it? Why or why not? There is a reason why the wives of a well-known Congressman and a professional football player were upset over the sexting that their husbands were doing with other women. They felt betrayed as if their husbands had been cheating. It is not having physical sex but it is very close. It is sexual behavior that might as well be sex without touching. It crosses a line of intimacy that should be for a husband and wife. So for many reasons, I don’t think sexting or sending naked pictures between a boyfriend and girlfriend is a good or wise thing to do.
AS A CHILD I REPEATEDLY PLAYED DOCTOR.
WAS IT SIN? AM I REQUIRED TO DO SOMETHING?
According to our sex therapist: “Playing doctor is a universal, innocent expression of sexual curiosity that is normal. It is normal for children to be sexually curious and to play, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” This curiosity signals to parents a need for specific sexual education and boundaries with doors open, and parents nearby. Sexual curiosity is natural. As children we should never have been punished or embarrassed for showing our curiosity. It is natural to ask questions about sex and to discover our own bodies, as well as observe other’s bodies and have questions about them. So to answer your question, No, it wasn’t sin.”
WHY IS SEX SOMETIMES PAINFUL FOR A WOMAN? WHAT CAN SHE (WE) DO ABOUT IT?
According to our doctor: “Painful intercourse, or dyspareunia, can have many causes other than just vaginal tightness, and the physician can perform a detailed history and careful physical exam to sort things out. A gynecologist can get you set up with a dilation program to comfortably stretch out the vagina, if that turns out to be the main issue. In the mean time, using ample water-based lubricants (e.g., K-Y Jelly), pre-dosing with anti-inflammatory drugs (e.g., Ibuprofen, naproxen, etc.), gentle but plentiful foreplay, great communication, and lots of patience will help.”