FINDING FREEDOM FROM PAIN
I was born to a single teen mom. My dad left three months into the pregnancy leaving my mom was devastated. She cried all the time and as a result, I felt abandoned by my father and a burden to my Mom. I hated my parents for sleeping together because I felt like my conception was an accident.
Later on, my mom married another man and had two other children. My step father was abusive, and when I was four, my mom left him and began working two jobs to support her three children. Working long hours, my mom often left us with our aunt and uncle. The next two years of my life were a living nightmare. My uncle would watch porn at night and at five years old, I was exposed to pornography. Something inside me felt uncomfortable and slimed, so I asked him to turn it off. Instead of turning it off, he sat me down on his lap in front of the TV screen while he touched me. As far as I can remember this was the only time, but it was enough to damage me. I felt violated by my uncle and forgotten by mom.
Shortly after, I started masturbating. It was my drug to numb the pain. I did it everyday. I couldn’t stop. At age ten I realized what I was doing was wrong and that I needed to stop. At fifteen I turned to romance novels in place of masturbation to escape. I felt empty and lost and at sixteen started cutting myself. I never did it with the intention of committing suicide (although the thought had crossed my mind) but I did want to die so that the pain would stop. I’d fantasize about losing my virginity but never did. I’m so grateful. To this day I have something to give my future husband on our honeymoon night.
“I felt violated and forgotten. I started masturbating to numb the pain. I did it everyday. I couldn’t stop.”
Then we moved to Redding to attend Bethel Church and my life has never been the same. I found Moral Revolution, wonderful Godly women to help me, and hope. I read Moral Revolution and wanted to weep. For a long time I was told and shown that sex was nothing more than just a pleasurable thing; that guys were nothing more than abusive perverts and girls were mere objects. That children were worthless. This was my normal. But here was a book that told me sex was good and God had been the one that created it! The revelation that sex wasn’t defiling hit me like a brick.
God showed me that there were good guys in the world. I have developed amazing male friends that love me for who I am and not what I can give them. My mom had remarried when I was ten and I was finally creating a good, strong, and healthy relationship with someone I could finally call dad. Finally, I had self worth. I no longer felt like an accident, a burden, lost, or like any of the other pathetic lies the devil kept telling me. I finally forgave everyone who hurt me and became open with my addictions.
I thank God for his amazing love. For the hope He brings and the joy I now have. One day I will marry a man who’ll love me, fight for me, and protect me. He will have a heart of gold and be be a champion. I am not perfect and I still have a lot to work through. But the girl I was at thirteen is not the same girl that I am at 17.
God is so good! He’s so so good to me!
— Anonymous, Redding, CA