Reader's Question

Dear Sex Therapist,
I'm a married woman, 45. My husband is not very interested in having sex. He likes to relax, read, etc. So, I masturbate a lot and in time I discovered anal pleasures. Can you tell me your opinion about anal stimulations inside marriage?

Sex Therapist's Answer

It seems to me that the problem is really what is going on with your husband that he is not interested in sex. I am going to answer a little more broadly than your question. The issue for me is not masturbation, whether it is anal or vaginal, it is about why you are doing it.

It appears to me that you are medicating feelings of sadness, anxiety, loneliness or rejection by masturbating. I am wondering from some of the things that you said, if you are masturbating compulsively, dealing with nonsexual needs in sexual ways, which can lead to an addiction. Have you talked to your husband about why he is not interested in sex? There can be multiple reasons why a man would have low interest. He could have low testosterone. He could be looking at pornography and masturbating. He could be depressed or very tired. But rather than just dealing with it by masturbating, it would be better if you could work on the real issue of having more intimacy with your husband.

We are wired by God for connection and intimacy. Sex is so much more than the pleasure of an orgasm. Don't get me wrong, the pleasure of an orgasm is great! But sex is about deeper and deeper levels of knowing your partner and your partner knowing you. It is that sense that your partner has your back and will be there for you. This is when you can be vulnerable enough to have great sex that is not just about bodies and sexual response, but also about emotional connecting and intimacy. When we decide that we will just take care of ourselves by masturbating because our partner will not be sexual with us, then we actually become more lonely and isolated. Instead of taking care of you, which was the intention, it actually ends up harming you.

Ideally, it would be great if your husband would work on this with you and you could grow in intimacy together. But if he will not, then you will have to get those legitimate needs for connection met in other ways. Reach out to girl friends for friendship and community. If you do not have any, then begin to cultivate some. Look for a community of people who will really love and accept you. For ideas on how to deal with your sex drive other than masturbation see my blog on Managing Sexual Desires. But the most important thing of all is that you have a Father who just loves to meet those needs for you. You are not alone. You do not have to take care of yourself. You can rest and let Him tenderly love on you and touch your heart. This is what you were made for. You were made for a big story, one full of drama and passion. My prayer for you is that you would not settle for anything less than that big story where you walk in the security of knowing who you are and how much God loves you!