Reader's Question

Dear Sex Therapist,
Yesterday I told my wife that in months prior I had masturbated to women who I felt respect me more than she does. I called the desire to be worshiped the desire to be respected. Once I realized that I was desiring to be worshiped the problem left for good. What is the best way for us to heal?

Sex Therapist's Answer

Wow--there is a lot going on in this question. Sounds like you have good insight into what you are calling "the desire to be worshipped". Wanting to be respected is legitimate but demanding to be so is not. We have to act in ways that are consistent with having that respect. I am really wondering what was at the heart of that disclosure to your wife. Were you talking about masturbation and it just came up or did you tell her that as a "so there!" If it was the latter, then you have other issues going on in your relationship that need to be addressed along with the one you are asking about. To answer your question, let me just address it from a wife's
perspective. I don't know your wife so I will just have to answer based on the many wives I have talked to over the years. It is hard enough to know that your husband is masturbating to images of women he does not know such as looking at pornography--it feels like an affair to many women. But when you masturbate to women you know, and I am assuming your wife knows, it goes even deeper and feels more like multiple affairs. She could run into these women and have to deal with it every time she sees them. From your question, it sounds like you have had insight about your behavior and want to move on. For a wife, it is often not that easy. She is just beginning the healing journey when you tell her those things. There is incredible sadness for her and a sense of betrayal and grief. She needs to know that you "get it" and I am not sure from your question if you do. Really listening to her and hearing her heart without getting defensive is going to be one of the most helpful things you can do for your marriage. She needs to know that you understand what your behavior has done to her. Give her time, space and support to grieve the losses she has experienced through this. Everyone grieves differently. Ask her what she needs from you, be tender and compassionate. Let her guide the speed of restoration of the relationship. She needs a woman to talk to, either a mature friend, an older woman or even a support group such as Celebrate Recovery or Alanon. The issues dealt with in recovery support groups would be the same ones that she would be dealing with. You also need to be talking to mature men in an accountability group or a recovery group of some kind. You need to have men who you allow to speak into your life and help you grow. Once she is in the place to move on, then I would suggest going to a marriage group of some kind so that you could begin to rebuild intimacy or actually build it for the first time. But initially, it works better for her to get help and for you to get help and then get help for the relationship. I am not talking about putting the relationship on hold while you get help individually, but many women find it hard to heal themselves when the focus is the relationship.

It is common in situations such as yours that there is a legitimate need that is not being met and the husband goes about getting that need met in illegitimate ways. If that is true for you, then the first step is still what I addressed in the previous paragraph. But then you need to learn to ask for what you need, to learn to be vulnerable. You really can't have intimacy if you cannot do that. And at the heart of your question is a longing for real intimacy. A few questions to think about:

Are you afraid that you will ask, put yourself out there, and be disappointed?
Are you afraid of her response?
Are you fearful that you will not have what you need so you need to get it in other ways?
What are you believing about yourself as a man?
What is your place in your relationship?
What are you believing about God in all this?
Do you believe that He is good and that He will come through for you?

The good news about what has happened for you and your wife is that this hurtful situation in your lives really can be the beginning of the intimate relationship that you both have wanted and longed for. There really is hope!