Reader's Question

Dear Sex Therapist,
Just found out my teen son (16) is masturbating often, & has done it while communicating with a girl doing the same thing on FB. Im a little freaked out. He knows I know now & is upset w me for reading his FB. My husband is going to talk w him & we r getting your book & dvd series, any advice?

Sex Therapist's Answer

Unfortunately this is more common than most parents realize. Teenager's brains have not finished maturing yet. The prefrontal cortex is the part that develops last and that is the part that says, "That's not a good idea, don't do that!" And this is going on at a time that hormones are raging!

The best advice that I can give you is to keep the lines of communication open by being nonjudgmental and calm. Listen more than you talk, and ask questions to try to understand your son's heart. What are his thoughts about sex and purity? Even if you do not agree, you can accept his answers by saying something like, " That does not sound like the healthiest decision, but I can understand why you might think that." Give him facts, alternatives to the decisions he is making, but send the message that you believe he is able to make responsible decisions--even if you are terrified about the things he is saying!

Talk with him about his vision of the kind of man he wants to be. Then come along side him and help him make a plan to reach his own goal. It is his plan and you are just a consultant. Let him come up with solutions and own his problem. When parents are scared they often come down too hard on their kids and begin to control their behavior. That will not work in the long run. It actually can lead to more rebellion and the very thing you are trying to stop. And kids are masters at recognizing your fear and letting you take responsibility for their problems. You really want your son to know how to make his own responsible decisions. "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" is a great resource. Also Danny Silk's, "Loving Our Kids on Purpose".

At the end of the day, as hard and scary as it is, your son needs to know how much he is loved and believed in. And you need that too from your Father--trust Him with those you love and pray and claim his promises for your family. Bless you!