Reader's Question

Dear Sex Therapist,
I have been a devoted christian my whole life and purity has always been my highest priority. This year I started dating an amazing Christian guy, but we just compromise too much.We havent had sex, but we have been very close. Im scared.. I have prayed so much and I dont know what to do.

Sex Therapist's Answer

I am so glad that you are wanting to remain pure and seeking help! Many times people make a decision to be pure, but forget to make a plan. If that is the case, then in the heat of passion, when your sex drive kicks in, it is hard to keep the decision that you made! First think about what purity means to you and who do you want to be? That is really important. At the end of the day, you are the only one responsible for your purity, so you need to implement a plan that will help you maintain it. Keeping the vision of who you want to be before you will help you create boundaries for yourself that inform the decisions that you make. Rather than a list of rules, you will have boundaries that are based in helping you reach your goal, the vision that you have for yourself. Then sit down with your boyfriend and talk about how to implement a plan that will work for the two of you. Check out my answer to a similar question in Managing Sexual Appetite.

You say that you are scared because you have been close to having sex. Your words make me wonder if something is happening with you that I frequently see with young women. They don't want to be responsible for having sex, so they detach from their body, almost like their body has a life of its own and they anxiously hope that it will make the right choice! They think that not making a choice makes them not responsible--it "just happened"-my body took over. The belief is that I can't be responsible for the decision if it "just happened". But not making a choice is making a choice. If this is going on for you, then take your power back. You are the one making the choices for yourself--get your voice back and say no if that is what you want. But take responsibility for the choices that you make. If you are afraid that you will lose your boyfriend if you have tighter boundaries, then I want you to know that you are worth so much more than that! Any guy who pressures you to go farther than you want to go is not loving you. You are the only one that gets to decide what happens with your body. Remember that vision of who you are and the woman you want to be. And let the Father love on you, and then love on you some more. He really has a special place in his heart for you!