Reader's Question

Dear Team
What is the difference between lust and sexual attraction? As a guy, I am attracted to women, but if I am ever attracted I seem to struggle with lust, too. I just cannot separate them. I know God created us to be attracted to the opposite sex without lusting after them, but I am struggling with this.

Team's Answer

Thank you so much for your vulnerability in asking this question and for sharing your struggle.

It would definitely be strange if God put attractive people in the world and forbade us to notice them. There is, however, a huge difference between the awareness of your sexual attractions and being dominated by a desire for that person's body. As you are obviously aware, it is completely normal and healthy to be attracted to and appreciative of the opposite sex, but lust tends to be focused more on oneself. It is an emotional force that is directly associated with the thinking or fantasizing about one’s desire.

Let’s look at the word ‘lust’ and what it actually means:
Lust:
1. Uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite.
2. Intense sexual desire or appetite.
Lust is seeing and treating others as mere sex objects, not as people but rather dispensable things that gratify sexual cravings. It is having someone please you, whether in fantasy or reality and it depersonalizes the person involved.

Attraction:
Noticing an attractive girl and being dumbfounded by her beauty is completely normal for a guy. The problem is keeping it at that level of attraction and choosing not to let it go any further in your mind.

In the same way that love is a choice (an ongoing and a conscious choice that we make each and every day of our lives), controlling our thoughts is also a choice.

I would challenge you to become more aware of what is going on in your thought life and even write it down. One thing that I was actually taught to say when I noticed an attractive girl was to say, “Wow, what a beautiful girl! Good job God, you created a good one there!” Although it was said in jest, my friends and I began using it and it became a great tool for training and controlling our thoughts. It really is a choice to control our minds and where we let them go.

If all of a sudden your thoughts become lustful, be aware of the process it took to get there, acknowledge what you have thought and choose to direct your mind elsewhere. This might not be something that is easy at first, but with practice it can very quickly become more normal. The first step is recognizing your thought patterns and consciously changing them.

Here are some resources:
There is a question on our website that Heath Wise, our sex therapist, answered. It is similar to yours and might be worth checking out. Here is the link for you: http://moralrevolution.com/dating-and-sex/sin/2011/09/qa-lust-vs-adultery

There is also a great book by Joshua Harris called “Sex Is Not The Problem (Lust Is).” This would definitely be a great read for you and might help answer more of your questions

Here are a couple more websites that might be of interest:
http://puritypursuit.com
http://www.experiencinghope.org/sexual-integrity

I hope this information was helpful for you and I bless you as you make your decisions.