Reader's Question

Dear Team
Is it okay to date around to know what you want in a future spouse? What do you guys believe?

Team's Answer

That is a great question. I am glad that you are seeking insight on that subject. The answer to that question is not a black & white answer. Moral Revolution’s stance is that it is fine to date different people to know what you want in a future spouse as long as you have figured out who you are, have established a plan, and learned to live in community.

Here are a few tips from our perspective to be aware of before going into a relationship:

1) Know who you are & know what you want:
Ask yourself “What kind of woman/man do I want to be?” Write down a list of virtues/values that you want to live by (i.e.; I want to be a woman of purity, integrity, etc.). Keep that list in front of you. It is so good to make decisions based from your value system and virtues, as opposed to being in the moment and being guided solely by emotions.

Ask yourself: “What kind of person am I looking for?” Write down a list of things that you are looking for. This list will help you to keep you on track with your heart’s desire.

2) Have a plan:
It is important that you have a grasp of your identity, your faith and your value system, so that you have beauty, strength and joy to bring into a relationship. Write down your vision. Write actions steps for your plan of how you're going to get there. Walk out that plan in community. I would recommend that you stay in a friendship with the opposite sex and hang out with a group of friends up to 6 months before exclusively dating that person one on one.

3) Live in community:
We are huge advocates of living in community! You must surround yourself with healthy people who you can glean from and have similar vision/goals and work toward those together. Not to say that everyone needs to be the same, but to be encouraged, spurred on and inspired toward your goals. You then have access to ask questions, bounce stuff off of them and ASK FOR HELP. Then if you are ever interested in someone, they should meet your friends, mentor, etc. Your "community" isn’t caught up with the emotions of the relationship and can help view the situation from a different perspective. Don't journey this alone. Invite people into the process of meeting someone, dating them, etc. Ask others. Ask the Lord. Ask yourself.

4) Boundaries:
Set yourself up for success by establishing some clear boundaries that would be non-negotiables for you in a relationship. Boundaries are rules for romance that can help you find the love of your life between singleness and marriage lays the journey of dating (i.e.: be home at 9 pm after a date, not being isolate, not watching movies that stir up sexual desires in you, etc.)

As you are figuring out those 4 steps, it will be good for you to live in community. You need practice with stewarding your heart and making sure that you are a safe place for the other person. You need practice with boundaries and what works and what doesn't. Hanging out in groups, is super healthy for everyone involved because you begin to see what you like and what you don't like. Then when you've checked them out and they've had the opportunity to check you out, you've asked friends/leaders perspective and you can work toward pursuit or one on one dating.

Here are some resources that will be helpful on your journey:
Boundaries: this book offers sound advice on dating and would definitively be worth reading to have more tools about dating.

Moral Revolution by Kris Vallotton: The whole book is a great resources but I would especially recommend chapter 3 to you because it talks about living from values.

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldrege: this book is an incredible resource to discover your beauty as a woman and all that you were meant to be.

I will wait for you is an inspiring poem about waiting for the right person.

Here is a link to a Q&A answered by our team about “How Do I Know When I'm Ready to Date” that might be helpful.

I am so glad you asked this question. I am hopeful for your next season of figuring out what dating looks like to you. I bless your womanhood.