Reader's Question

Dear Team
My boyfriend and I are making a point to establish good limits in our relationship. We talk about "problem areas" and what things are too over stimulating for each other etc, but he seems to get erections a lot when we're just hanging out. How do I approach this or talk to him about it?

Team's Answer

Thank you for being so open about your situation. I applaud your vulnerability.

I love your heart for purity. It is awesome that you & your boyfriend established good limits in your relationship. It seems like he might still be stimulated by certain behaviors in your relationship. I highly recommend that you do communicate with him how his erections make you feel. In that conversation, you could ask him if there is still something that is over stimulating him & then set up more boundaries to help him.

To set yourself up for success for this conversation, it would be great for you to learn some tools about how to share your thoughts and concerns with somebody else. Communication is one of the keys for a good relationship. Communication can either build or destroy a relationship. In order for communication to build a relationship, it is important to share how the other person is affecting us without trying to tell them how to fix themselves.

To communicate effectively, a great tool is the “I” message. It is a mean that lets the other person see you instead of trying to convince the other person that he or she is wrong. The “I” message is fueled by a feeling and not a thought. Feelings tell the other person about you and not about them. An “I” message looks like saying “I feel… When… I need to feel…” An example would be: “ I feel scared when you drive to fast. I need to feel safe and protected while I am in the car with you.”

If you feel uncomfortable sharing this information with him, you might want to consider sharing your thoughts and concerns with others. We are big advocates of dating in community. This looks like having friends, a mentor (which would be a woman for you and a man for him) or spiritual parents that have the freedom to give you feedback.

Here are some resources that could help you to have an even healthier relationship:

Dating in community by Nathan Edwardson: this podcast is an incredible message describing the importance of community while you are dating that would be worth listening to. It is the message preached on the 20th of February 2011 and it is for free.

Defining the Relationship by Danny Silk: there is a teaching series and a workbook. Both of this would be incredible tools for you to check out. In your case I would highly recommend to check out the communication dance.

Boundaries in dating: Making dating work by Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend: This is an amazing book that gives useful tools about boundaries that will help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control.

Cloud-Townsend: solutions for life website http://www.cloudtownsend.com: This is a great website that will give you good insight on dating & relationship.

Brave communication by Dann Farrelly: This is an incredible message that it will empower you with a new mindset and practical skills that enhance your everyday in-the-moment connection

Hooked by M.D. Joe S. Mcllhaney Jr. & M.D. Freda McKissic Bush: this would be a resources worth checking out to understand how a male vs. a female brain works in regards of certain visuals that might cause erections.

I have great hope that you will learn incredible tools this next season that will help you not just for your relationship with your boyfriend now but for any everyday relationship for your future. I bless your next season!